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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24598474">I can't let you go</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/muselesswriter/pseuds/muselesswriter'>muselesswriter</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>13 Reasons Why (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Bad Parenting, Dreams and Nightmares, Emotional Baggage, Grief/Mourning, High School, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Prison, Repressed Memories, Secret Relationship, White Privilege</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 07:33:26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,721</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24598474</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/muselesswriter/pseuds/muselesswriter</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>He was there, Winston saw him every night, and it didn't make things go any easier for the grieving lonely boy.<br/>or, Winston dreamt of Monty every night and had to lose him every night.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Montgomery de la Cruz/Winston Williams</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>54</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>I can't let you go</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was another day at Liberty high, Winston Williams just transferred to the school, he only did it to be closer to him, to his boyfriend, of course, Montgomery De La Cruz, the loudest, stupidest jock he had ever seen! </p>
<p>Monty instantly rushed to him once he saw him in the hallways, embracing him in a hug <em>“Hey there beautiful”</em> the whispered only for him to hear, the raven-haired smiled <em>“hey”</em> a simple answer filled with love.</p>
<p><em>“You’ll be at my game tonight right?”</em> the jock asked him as he wrapped his arm around him, escorting him to his first class of the day, Winston let out a whine <em>“do I have to? I hate sport!”</em> he said complaining, only earning an eye roll from his partner <em>“you have to be there for the yearbook anyways, stop being a bitch”</em>, <em>“I’d never stop being a bitch”</em> he mumbled <em>“true, but hey… at least you’re my bitch”</em> he winked at him and left once they reached the classroom, Winston watched him grinned <em>“I love you”</em> he yelled, earning a middle finger from the other who was walking further and further away.</p>
<p>Winston felt so happy, happy enough that he didn’t realize time passing by, one minute he was in his English class and the second he was in the field, taking pictures of his boyfriend killing it in the game, they were playing against his old school, and De La Cruz was the star of the show!</p>
<p>He cheered for his man, as loud as he could, smiling like an idiot in love, which he was, he was an idiot in love! Tyler Down walked to him once the game was over, and the two of them shared the photos they took.</p>
<p><em>“Hey, I couldn’t get any pictures of Monty… did you get any?”</em>  Tyler asked as he went through the folder of photos, Winston rolled his eyes <em>“did I? He’ll freak out once he sees how many I got! He hates it when I use him as a model”</em> he replied joking and handed Tyler his camera.</p>
<p>The other’s face changed from happy to worried the more he scrolled through the photos <em>“Winston… those are pictures of empty landscapes”</em> he finally said, Winston laughed <em>“yeah right”</em>, <em>“I’m not kidding, see!”</em> he showed him the pictures, Winston furrowed his brows <em>“that’s impossible! Monty was there! What did you do? Is this some fucking twisted game? Did you and Clay cook this up?”</em> he said as he felt himself getting more frustrated.</p>
<p><em>“W-what?”</em> Tyler looked at him clueless <em>“yes! You fucking ruined my pictures of Monty! Why would you do that?”</em> his voice became louder and louder with each word<em> “Monty?”</em> Tyler said worried <em>“Winston… Monty is dead, he died in prison! I turned him in! He raped me! Don’t you remember?”</em> Tyler replied, “<em>fuck you I just saw him!”</em> Winston said and stormed out of the room “<em>Monty</em>” he shouted as he walked down the hallways “<em>Monty</em>” his voice became louder, his heart beat faster, eventually, he was running, running towards nothingness in hope to find him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>―――――</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He sat in his room, as lonely as it could be, he was reading a book for the hundredth time, The Sun is also a star, Monty liked that one, it was easy enough for him to understand it, short enough for him to manage to finish it.</p>
<p>He put the book down and turned to his bed to find him there <em>“I didn’t hear you come in”</em> Winston said softly as he smiled, <em>“that’s because I didn’t really come in, you brought me here”</em> he replied <em>“no I didn’t”</em> he scoffed <em>“Win…”</em> Monty sighed.</p>
<p><em>“Look, I was just reading that book and I thought of you okay? Don’t make a deal out of it”</em> Winston roared but Monty didn’t move, he sat there, bouncing his legs, his hands are in his lap, he had that blue shirt on which Winston hated so much yet found it ridiculously attractive!</p>
<p><em>“Win it is a big deal, I’m dead”</em> he finally said, calmly “<em>no</em>” Winston shook his head opposing <em>“you’re here”</em> he smiled, <em>“I’m fucking dead, see?”</em> He lifted his shirt up and showed him his wounds, Winston closed his eyes and swallowed thickly “<em>no</em>” he replied again.</p>
<p><em>“Why do you keep doing this to yourself? You have to move on! You are driving yourself crazy over someone you barely knew! you must get a hold of your life again!”</em> He said frustratedly, to watch the other’s eyes welled up with tears<em> “because I’m lonely without you okay? I’m lonely! And scared! And angry! Is it so bad that I just wanna hold you one last time? Or that I want to just see you? Or hear your stupid voice? I’m lonely and I’m hurt and I can’t talk to anyone about it because no one else would listen!”</em> He cried. </p>
<p>The boy sobbed once the realization hit him, this wasn’t Monty, this is how pathetic his brain was, sending those stupid… whatever those were towards him to watch him fuck up even more.</p>
<p>Monty got up and knelt in front of him, caressing his cheek, making him immediately lean into his touch <em>“I know… that’s why you need to let me go, so you won’t have to feel like this”</em> he whispered.</p>
<p><em>“But I love you”</em> Winston said between his sobs <em>“I’m not here to love, but you are and you deserve to live”</em> he whispered again and kissed his forehead, then he got up and slowly perished into the thin air, while Winston watched him weeping for him to come back.</p>
<p>―――――</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>They were in the hobo hotel, in Monty’s truck, on the backseat, cuddling each other, strangely Monty has a blanket in his truck, Winston was glad though, he was cold, even though Monty’s body was hot enough to keep him warm, the blanket was welcomed as well.</p>
<p><em>“Someday… you’ll hate me”</em> Monty muttered, gaining a laugh from Winston <em>“that would never happen! You punched me in the face and I fucking took you to my bed, there’s nothing you can say or do would make me hate you” </em></p>
<p>Monty caressed his cheek and gave him a little sad smile <em>“yes there is, Win, I’m not a good person… I did some bad things, I hurt some good people, I just want you to know… that It’s okay if you do, and that you are the best thing that ever happened to me”</em> he whispered.</p>
<p>“<em>Okay, Mr. sunshine! What happened to the boy who was making nonsense jokes about my scarf a few seconds ago? Bring that asshole back please!”</em> Winston said, trying to lighten up the mood <em>“your scarves are stupid!”</em> Monty grumbled <em>“again with this shit? Fine, I’ll take them off!</em>” Winston rolled his eyes and attempted to take it off but Monty’s hand reached out and stopped him.</p>
<p><em>“They are stupid but I like how good they look on you”</em> he smirked <em>“but you know what really is stupid? You are always cold! You can literally afford a coat made of the skin of your enemies but you’re freezing all the time!”</em> he added <em>“what can I say? beauty is a pain!”</em> Winston replied with a little chuckle <em>“besides, why would I wear heavy clothes when I have you to keep me warm?”</em> Monty looked at him then leaned closer, kissing him, both boys closed their eyes, Winston wasn’t sure how long the kiss lasted, but once he opened his eyes, Monty was gone and he was all alone.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>―――――</p>
<p><em>“You stood up in the assembly”</em> Monty declared, they were in his bedroom, Winston’s, no one was home, Winston just returned home and found him there, standing next to the window, assuming that’s how he got in, Winston took off his coat and scarf and threw them on the chair “<em>yeah, it’s nothing</em>” he lied, or perhaps he didn’t know how bad it affected him.</p>
<p><em>“Winston it’s not fucking nothing, what happened? Why did you stand up? Was it just to show support?”</em> Monty asked, Winston took a deep breath and looked at him <em>“what? No, I stood up because I’m a survivor or whatever they’re called, it’s really nothing Monty… it’s an old story, just drop it okay?”</em> the white boy said as he sat down on his bed and waited for Monty to join him, but the other never did.</p>
<p><em>“Fine, I was just figuring out my sexuality and then I told my mom, she set me up with a son of her client, and we dated for a while, it was bad, he… I don’t know, it wasn’t rape, he was older than me, I was a freshman and he was in college, I was okay with it, I never said no or anything, but it was too painful? I thought it was normal but apparently it wasn’t, I tried to break it off but he kept saying he’ll tell his mom to ruin my parents’ career and if one thing my parents loved is their work”</em> he shrugged, talking about it as if it was the most normal thing.</p>
<p><em>“He never kissed me, or touched me, it was just fucking sex all the time and I was so exhausted, he got bored of me and told me way too many scarring shits, but it’s nothing, I’m okay”</em> he said as if he tried to convince himself before Monty.</p>
<p><em>“What did he say?”</em> the other said softly, finally taking a few steps closer to him <em>“are you serious right now?”</em> Winston asked, only gaining a look from Monty, he rolled his eyes <em>“the usual, I’m worthless, ugly, no one would ever love me, I deserve nothing, the usual” </em></p>
<p>Monty sat next to him and pulled him between his arms, the other leaned on his shoulder <em>“you know it’s bullshit right? You fucking deserve the world”</em> Winston shrugged<em> “I don’t want the world, I want you”</em> he whispered <em>“you can’t have me, but hey, one day you’ll have someone way better”</em> he said trying to cheer him as much as possible <em>“I want</em> <em>you</em>” Winston looked at him <em>“I know, but you have to move on”</em> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>―――――</p>
<p> </p>
<p>His face was bloody, he wasn’t sure if it was dripping from his damaged nose or his busted lips, all he knew that he’d never seen someone bleed that much and stand still like it was nothing, he attempted to cup the side of his face, just to get a better look at his bruises and someone how to comfort him but the wince from his lover made him change his mind immediately.</p>
<p><em>“What the fuck happened to you?”</em> he asked “<em>dad fucking happened, look, this was a mistake, I should’ve gone...I’m sorry”</em> the slightly shorter man said, he shook his head no and helped him into his bed, he refused to lay down, but Winston didn’t mind, instead he just rushed to the bathroom where he kept his first aid box, it took him less than a minute to return with it, instantly cleaning his lover’s wounds. </p>
<p>Monty didn’t wince or move, as if he was so used to all of this, which he was, ironically, he stayed still “<em>what happened?</em>” Winston asked softly as he dipped the cotton to clean up his lips <em>“apparently I was snoring too loud”</em> Monty shrugged <em>“you were snoring too loud?”</em> Winston asked puzzled “yeah... Too loud” </p>
<p><em>“Probably from all the beating you got, your nose is fucked up”</em> Winston stated, Monty couldn’t help but let out a painful laugh “<em>seriously, I don’t think there are any bones left to break there, how are you even breathing?”</em> Winston continued, this time a little smile crept on his face “<em>hey, stop insulting my dysfunctional nose, it’s the least fucked up thing about me”</em> Monty smiled back.</p>
<p>It didn’t take Winston much time to clean his face up, he was just glad that his parents forced a health class on him desperately trying to make him like medicine, it failed the minute he saw an actual broken bone and ended up fainting.</p>
<p><em>“Is it… is it okay if I stay over? It’s okay if you don’t want me, I’ll probably ruin your fancy Egyptian cotton covers, yeah… I should go”</em> Monty said then got up, instantly being dragged down by Winston <em>“shut up and get under the covers” </em>but he didn't stay, he never does.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>―――――</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He was in the prison’s waiting room, waiting for the guards to bring Monty from his cell, he was told what happened, he tried to help but he didn’t know how, so the best thing was to show up, let him know he still loved him and cared about him.</p>
<p>Monty walked in, a guard escorted him, he sat on the bench and watched the guard walk away, giving them space, he looked at Winston confused <em>“what are you doing here?”</em> he asked brutally, Winston let out a chuckle<em> “seeing you, of course, orange is definitely not your color”</em> he said, refusing to acknowledge the crappy situation “<em>Win, I’m in prison you shouldn’t be here! Are you out of your mind? You should be hating me like everyone else and living your best life!”</em> he spoke again, protesting <em>“that’s ridiculous, look, I’m not stupid I know what you did was fucked up, I hate what you did, but you are being accused of murder! The night we were together!”</em> Winston said.</p>
<p><em>“Why didn’t you tell them? I’m your alibi, I would’ve stood by your side”</em> he added <em>“and let my father get a hold of you? Fuck no”</em> he scoffed <em>“look, I’m not getting out any time sooner, just let it go, move on, or something”</em> he breathed <em>“don’t say that! You still haven’t gone to court, I’ll get you a good lawyer and you’ll be out, fuck, Bryce raped eight girls and he walked out, just give me a chance to help you”</em> Winston rambled <em>“you can’t, I’m not some white dude or a rich dude, I’m already seen as a threat, guys like me don’t go to trial”</em> Monty sighed.</p>
<p>Winston beamed “<em>yes but I’m, I’ll bust you out if I must, we can run away to Europe and start a new life together! Just let me help you, okay?”</em> he shook his head no <em>“you can’t”</em> he simply replied, <em>“of course I can, don’t be silly!”</em> Winston mocked <em>“No Win, you can’t!”</em> he insisted, <em>“fine, why can’t I?”</em> Winston yelled frustrated, knowing too well that he can't win this argument, his mind was set “<em>because I’m fucking dead!</em>”</p>
<p>―――――</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Every night he had one of those dreams, it’s always the same, even if the setting is different, even if the story was different, it always starts with him, holding his beloved, and waking up to the realization that he’s gone, he’ll never hold him again, touch him, kiss him or just tell him about his day, he never had a chance to love him and never will, he just wanted to be with him, accepting the little flashes they had, the secrecy and all the baggage Montgomery came with. </p>
<p>He fucking loved him, and he was taken away from him too quickly! It hurt, he felt like his heart was ripped out of his chest, yes eight months wasn’t that long, but those eight months were the only months where he didn’t feel alienated or like a complete tool, he felt love and now it’s all gone! He’s all alone again, and it scared him more than pained him, everything in him called for his lover, begged him to return but he never does.</p>
<p>Yes, eight months of memories haunted him all the time, he was obsessed, no, beyond obsessed, he couldn't help but remember the boy all the time, wherever he was, whatever he was doing, even when something happens to him, his only thoughts are to tell the deceased about it! how can someone become such an essential part of his life in such a short notice? they barely knew each other, even if Winston liked to think that he knew Monty in ways no one else was able to.</p>
<p>he was angry and hurt all the time! They took him away from him, and for that, Winston would never forgive them, for that, he swore to bring him justice.</p>
<p>
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</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I wrote this because I was so frustrated at how things ended in the show, so consider it as a cry for all of you to rewrite the show and bring justice to those two.</p></blockquote><div class="children module" id="children">
  <b class="heading">Works inspired by this one:</b>
  <ul>
    <li>
        <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24689389">I can't let you go</a> by <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cvetok1105/pseuds/Cvetok1105">Cvetok1105</a>
    </li>
  </ul>
</div></div></div>
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